Surrender

NOTE: I wrote part 1 to this blog on 1/18 when I was in the midst of a meltdown. The rest below the line was written after the fact (1/31).

I surrender. I’m waving the white flag.

There are days like today where I want to throw in the towel. Where I have no fight left in me. I’m exhausted. Frustrated. Annoyed, mostly with myself. Where I haven’t advocated enough. Where I feel like a horrible mother. Where I had an entire (long) weekend to get my shit together and get stuff done, and nothing got done. Where I quite possibly (definitely) overmedicated my child for an entire month and didn’t catch it until I went to refill the script and was informed that I’m too early- why am I refilling a 60 days script in 30 days? Great fucking question. (You would think since I know how to count to ONE, that I was giving her the correct dosage. Alas, the bottle is empty, apparently 30 days ahead of schedule, and there’s no one to blame here but me.)

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I typed the above two weeks ago, a note in my phone when I was at the height of anxiety and needed to just get it out there. Pretty sure I stopped mid-thought because life was calling- you all know what I mean! Lately, I feel like I think and talk in fragments just like the above: incomplete, scattered, drips and drabs, #hotmess. Looking back, this frustration all settled down and I even worked with an amazing nurse at the doctor’s office who was compassionate, didn’t call CPS on me for overmedicating my kid, and helped me figure out the insurance so we could get Maggie back on track with the correct dosage of meds.

I guess the moral to this random post is that in the thick of things, it’s hard to remember that *usually* life has a way of working itself out. For someone who is overly anxious about everything, it’s easy to overreact. When life settles, I wait for the next wave to hit. Not a fun way to live, and I need to work on changing my mindset. Baby steps.

Updates: my sister gave me the name and number of her kick-ass therapist. Have I texted her yet? No. But, it’s on my February 1st to-do list, along with calling three other doctors that I’m long overdue on seeing. Trying to remind myself that my health is a number one priority this year. Let’s say January didn’t count.

Self-care reading/writing stats for January: Completed two books and started three more (I tend to read a bunch at a time). Wrote a 3,400 word chapter of a story. Did this blog post. 😉